I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
