when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
