When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
