My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
