he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Text me some of your sweat
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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