Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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