He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
