my phone needs a breathalizer
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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