So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
