We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The Olympian is in my bed
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
