Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize