its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
