My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
