And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
