if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
