If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
