Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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