I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize