I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Randomize