Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
