is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
