Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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