i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
