420 ftw
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
