Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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