Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
