dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
