so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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