The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
