I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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