Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
