i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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