i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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