his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
