The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
