I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
