I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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