I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
