I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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