Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
