the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
