Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize