I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
