I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I pour the whiskey from now on
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
