Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
