The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
