Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
