he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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