i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
