sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize