ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
