I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
