my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
