Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
