I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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