He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
