I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
do nipples grow back?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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