I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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