I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
