You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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