I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
