I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Green mimosas i think yes
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
