He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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