so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
